Breathing in
my heart aches
Breathing out
my heart breaks
I cannot smile
My body cannot contain
the pain
I feel I could cry
till all my tears run dry
Last night I heard her story.
The story of Widad.
The daughter of Hagar
as she related the pain
of the loss of her brother
Her head aching
Her body shaking
as she told us through her tears
of a fun loving young man
who only wanted to live a normal life
with a car and a wife
Who experienced day after day
The pain of no peace
I could not keep up
with who had been wounded
and who had been killed
Friends, uncles, cousins and brothers
This one a bullet
That one a rocket
This one paralyzed
This one?s hands blown off
He himself, wounded twice
And then his best friend and cousin?s brain
landed by his foot
He tried to help
lift him
from the ground,
his hands going through his back
coming out of his belly
Five days went by
till the news came to Widad
that her loving brother
who had wanted a normal life
a car and a wife
had joined the dead
by blowing himself up
Taking with him
a Jewish grandmother
and grand daughter
I see in front of me
A sweet child
Shaking and crying
as she tells us of the dying
of her beloved brother
My heart aches
I cry too
for all the children of Hagar
as I listen
to the outcome
of no peace.
And I go to bed
My mind racing
from one side to
the other
The children of Sarah
who are buried
every day
To the children of Hagar
who are buried
in the same way
Each side feeling
they are innocent
Each side feeling
they are the victim
I see my neighbor?s face
who?s son was blown up
on the way to visit grandma
I see my friend?s face
whose daughter was stabbed to death
I see my aunt?s face
who lost her son and son-in-law
I see my daughter?s face
who has been to so many funerals
I see Tamar?s face
who shared with us
how her friends in the army
played the guitar one night
and the next day
they were buried
I see Isa?s face
with his kaffia on his head
I remember him
from before the intifada
No sign of anger
even though now
he is paralyzed
I see faces of the holocaust
And I see Widad?s face
I see ambulances
I see hospitals
I see graveyards
I see crying
I see dying
And eventually I fall asleep
I awaken with a heavy heart
Sitting silently at breakfast
my mind wanders again
Not being able to be present
with my food
My mind wanders
from side to side
What would have happened
if I had been born
woken up each dawn
as a daughter of Hagar
How would I react
if all I knew was violence?
My heart is beating
My heart is beating
loud in my body
Tears fill my eyes
Then I hear the voice
of the woman on my left
Her German accent
touching my seeds of Auschwitz
And my mind goes crazy
From one side to the other
From victim
to victimizer
From victimizer
to victim
The seeds of pain, hopelessness and despair
burst in my body
The pain to great to bear
I cry for the victims of Germany
I cry for the victims of the West Bank
I cry for the victims of terrorism
I cry for the soldiers
I cry for the Jews
I cry for the Arabs
I cry for the fathers
I cry for the mothers
I cry for the sisters
I cry for the brothers
I cry for all the children
I cry for this land
that is supposed to embrace the chosen ones
The nuns see my tears
Hear my pain
One on each side
just like Sarah and Hagar.
Caressing me and blessing me
Reminding me
that the Eternal Mother
dwells constantly in my heart
I manage to calm myself
To return to my breath
Sister Steadiness on the side of my heart
Sister Susana, Adorned with Ripeness
on the side of my action
I want to be steady
and ripe to take action
Before it is too late ?
the gate closing on us forever
Our Beloved Father, Abraham
has caused us much pain and suffering.
This was not his intent
of that I am sure
I know ?
For my beloved father
caused me much pain and suffering
by violating my body
I wanted to kill myself
time after time
To blow myself up
to blow away the pain
To shoot myself
to kill the pain
that tore me apart
keeping me apart and separate
But one day I woke up
Ready to give myself life
by forgiving him
By letting go of the pain
knowing there is no gain
in holding it inside
I spoke up
and was listened to
I created a space
making place
for something new
to sprout
in my being and my body
I ask us all to remember
and know
that we all chose
many lifetimes ago
to live as brothers
This land ours to share ?
all the children of Abraham
Sarah and Hagar
I ask us to stop
killing ourselves
generation after generation ?
trying to kill the pain
that has kept us separate and apart
I know that I chose
my father and my mother
And as a mother
I know
they did not wish for me to suffer ?
but acted
from their place of suffering
I have compassion for them now
after haven forgiven them
and given myself life
For this is my lesson!
May we lessen
our suffering
By forgiving each other
By telling our stories of pain
By listening to each other
By crying together
In order
to water the seeds of reconciliation
Making space and place
for us to grow side by side
as beloved Children of Abraham
My country has been like my father
Causing me much pain
All I had wanted
was a safe home and refuge
from my own home
the holocaust
and racism in South Africa
So I came home to where
my father was born.
To the promised land
Not realizing that this country
is drenched and drowning
Holding thousands of years
generation after generation
of trauma and fear
pain and despair ?
never healed
Is it not time to forgive?!
May we learn to forgive
The Germans, the Romans
the British.
Abraham, Sarah and Hagar
and especially our brothers
in order to give us
and them
a life and a home
May we ask for forgiveness
for all the pain and suffering
we have caused
We,did not intend
to cause pain
Let the forgiveness be our gain
as we join hand in hand
Heart to heart
Choosing to be chosen as peaceful beings
side by side
Now-
here and now
Is the time
To begin anew
The time has come
To stop the blame
The time has come
To drop the shame
The time has come
for the dead bodies
on either side
to become the fertilizer
for us to start anew
It is time for the tears
of both sides
to water
the seeds that are
waiting to sprout
So that we can shout
with joy
because we can remember
who we truly are
Brothers and sisters
Sisters and brothers
Children of Abraham
All flowers
Jewish flowers
Muslim flowers
Christian flowers
Druze flowers
Bedouin flowers
Every hue flowers
Able to grow
In the same soil
Side by side!