The Common Vein

TEXAS Lindsay Leveen 2014

Two Texans are sitting on a plane from Dallas and an old Jewish man is sitting between them. The first Texan says, ?My name is Roger. I own 250,000 acres. I have 1,000 head of cattle and they call my place The Jolly Roger.? The second Texan says, ?My name is John. I own 350,000 acres. I have 5,000 head of cattle and they call my place Big John?s.? They both look down at the little old Jewish man who says, ?My name is Irving and I own only 300 acres.? Roger looks down at him and says, ?300 Acres? What do you raise?? ?Nothing,? says Irving . ?Well then, what do you call it?? asked John. ?Downtown Dallas ?.

MOISHE  Lindsay Leveen 2014

Moishe Goldberg was heading out of the Synagogue one day, and as always Rabbi Mendel was standing at the door, shaking hands as the Congregation departed. The rabbi grabbed Moishe by the hand, pulled him aside and whispered these words at him: ?You need to join the Army of God!? Moishe replied: ?I?m already in the Army of God, Rabbi.? The rabbi questioned: ?Then how come I don?t see you except for Rosh Hashanah and Yom Kippur?? Moishe whispered back: ?I?m in the secret service.?

IT HAPPENED IN SHUL   Lindsay Leveen 2014

Rabbi approaches a guest in Shul and says, ?I?d like to give you an Aliyah. (i.e. a chance to participate in the service) What is your name?? The man answers, ?Esther ben Moshe.? The Rabbi says, ?No, I need YOUR name.? It?s Esther ben Moshe,? the man says. ?How can that be your name?? asks the Rabbi. The man answers, ?I?ve been having financial problems, so everything now is in my wife?s name.?

HIGH HOLIDAY Lindsay Leveen 2014

Two little old ladies were attending a rather long Shul service. One leaned over and whispered, ?My tuchas is going to sleep. ? I know,? replied her companion, ?I heard it snore three times.

Lindsay Leveen 2014

Doctor Bloom, who was known for miraculous cures for arthritis, had a waiting-room full of people when a little old lady, completely bent over in half, shuffled in slowly, leaning on her cane. When her turn came, she went into the doctor?s office, and emerged within half an hour walking completely erect, with her head held high. A woman in the waiting room who had seen all this walked up to the little old lady and said, ?It?s a miracle! You walked in bent in half and now you?re walking erect. What did that doctor do?? She answered, ?Miracle, shmiracle. . . he gave me a longer cane.?

THE DIFFERENCES Lindsay Leveen 2014

The Italian says, ?I?m thirsty. I must have wine.? The Frenchman says, ?I?m thirsty. I must have cognac.? The Russian says, ?I?m thirsty. I must have vodka.? The German says, ?I?m thirsty. I must have beer.? The Mexican says, ?I?m thirsty. I must have tequila.? The Jewish man says, ?I?m thirsty. I must have diabetes.?

PHILANTHROPY Lindsay Leveen 2014

 A visitor to Israel attended a recital and concert at the Moscovitz Auditorium. He was quite impressed with the architecture and the acoustics. He inquired of the tour guide, ?Is this magnificent auditorium named after Chaim Moscovitz, the famous Torah scholar?? ?No,? replied the guide. ?It is named after Sam Moscovitz, the writer.? Never heard of him,? said the visitor. ?What did he write?? ?A cheque,? replied the guide.

ROWING TEAM Lindsay Leveen 2014

 Yeshiva University decided to field a rowing team. Unfortunately, they lose race after race. Even though they practice and practice four hours every day, they never manage to come in any better than dead last. Finally, the team decides to send Morris Fishbein, its captain, to spy on Harvard, the perennial championship team. So Morris schlepps off to Cambridge , Mass. , and hides in the bushes next to the Charles River , where he carefully watches the Harvard team at its daily practice. After a week, Morris returns to Yeshiva. ?Well, I figured out their secret,? he announces. ?What? Tell us! Tell us!? his teammates shout. ?We should have only one guy yelling. The other eight should row.

?On Jewish Mothers ? Ed Smith

 If Famous People Throughout Time Had Jewish Mothers

MONA LISA?S JEWISH MOTHER:

?After all the money your father and I spent on braces, this you call a smile??

CHRISTOPHER COLUMBUS? JEWISH MOTHER:

?I don?t care what you?ve discovered, you didn?t call, you didn?t write??

MICHELANGELO?S JEWISH MOTHER:

?A ceiling you paint? Not good enough for you the walls, like the other children? Do you know how hard it is to get that schmutz off the ceiling??

NAPOLEON?S JEWISH MOTHER:

?You?re not hiding your report card? Show me! Take your hand out of your jacket and show me!?

ABRAHAM LINCOLN?S JEWISH MOTHER:

?Again with that hat! Why can?t you wear a baseball cap like the other kids??

GEORGE WASHINGTON?S JEWISH MOTHER:

?Next time I catch you throwing money across the Potomac , you can kiss your allowance good-bye!?

THOMAS EDISON?S JEWISH MOTHER:

?Okay, so I?m proud that you invented the electric light bulb. Now turn it off already and go to sleep!?

PAUL REVERE?S JEWISH MOTHER:

?I don?t care where you think you have to go, young man, midnight is long past your bedtime!?

ALBERT EINSTEIN?S JEWISH MOTHER:

?Your senior photograph and you couldn?t have done something with your hair??

MOSES? JEWISH MOTHER:

?Desert, schmesert!! Where have you really been for the last forty years??

BILL GATES? JEWISH MOTHER:

?It would have killed you to become a doctor??

BILL CLINTON?S JEWISH MOTHER:

?Well, at least she was a nice Jewish girl.

 Customs

A young scholar from New York was invited to become Rabbi in a small old community in Chicago. On his very first Shabbat, a hot debate erupted as to whether one should or should not stand during the reading of the Ten Commandments.

The next day, the rabbi visited 98 year-old Mr. Katz in the nursing home. ?Mr. Katz, I?m asking you, as the oldest member of the community,? said the rabbi, ?what is our synagogue?s custom during the reading of the Ten Commandments??

?Why do you ask?? asked Mr. Katz.?Yesterday we read the Ten Commandments. Some people stood, some people sat. The ones standing started screaming at the ones sitting, telling them to stand up. The ones sitting started screaming at the ones standing, telling them to sit down? ?

?That,? said the old man, ?is our custom.?

On Parking Spaces and God

Rebecca Schwartz)

Moishe is driving in Jerusalem . He?s late for a meeting, he?s looking for a parking place, and can?t find one. In desperation, he turns towards heaven and says: ?Lord, if you find me a parking place, I promise that I?ll eat only kosher, respect Shabbos, and all the holidays.? Miraculously, a place opens up just in front of him. He turns his face up to heaven and says, ?Never mind, I just found one!?

 On Dying

(Rebecca Schwartz)

An old Jewish man was dying in the hospital. His family ? wife, children, grandchildren ? came to see him, but only one was allowed in the room at a time.

Grandson Ben went in first. ?Hello, Grampa Moishe. Can I do something for you??

?Yes,? said Grampa Moishe. Go tell Gramma Sadie I want some of her delicious chopped liver that she made yesterday. Ben went out and told Gramma Sadie, who said, ?Go tell Grampa Moishe he can?t have any chopped liver. It would kill him.? Ben went back in and reported what she?d said. ?You tell Gramma Sadie I want the chopped liver. I?m dying anyway and it won?t make any difference.? Ben went and told Gramma Sadie, who said, ?Go tell Grampa Moishe he can?t have any. The chopped liver is for the Shiva.?

El Al Dinner

(Rebecca Schwartz)

It was mealtime during a flight on El-Al. ?Would you like dinner?? the flight attendant asked Moishe.

?What are my choices?? Moishe asked.

?Yes or no,? she replied.

PHILANTHROPY

(Rebecca Schwartz)

A visitor to Israel attended a recital and concert at the Moscovitz Auditorium. He was quite impressed with the architecture and the acoustics. He inquired of the tour guide, ?Is this magnificent auditorium named after Chaim Moscovitz, the famous Talmudic scholar??

?No,? replied the guide. ?It?s named after Sam Moscovitz, the writer.?

?Never heard of him. What did he write??

?A check?, replied the guide.

CHANUKAH STAMPS

(Rebecca Schwartz)

A woman goes to the post office to buy stamps for her Chanukah cards.

She says to the clerk ?May I have 50 Chanukah stamps please.?

?What denomination?? says the clerk.

The woman says ?Oy vey?my god, has it come to this?

Okay, give me 6 orthodox, 12 conservative and 32 reform!?

Moishe Attending Shul

Moishe Goldberg was heading out of the Synagogue one day, and as always Rabbi Mendel was standing at the door, shaking hands as the congregation

departed. The rabbi grabbed Moishe by the hand, pulled him aside and whispered these words at him: ?You need to join the Army of God!?

Moishe replied: ?I?m already in the Army of God, Rabbi.?

The rabbi questioned: ?How come I don?t see you except for Rosh Hashanah andYom Kippur??

Moishe whispered back: ?I?m in the secret service.?

Business Kop

Two beggars are sitting on a park bench in Mexico City. One is holding a cross and one a Star of David. Both are holding hats to collect contributions. People walk by, lift their noses at the man with the Star of David and drop money in the hat held by the man with the cross. Soon the hat of the man with the cross is filled and the hat of the man with the Star of David is empty.

A priest watches and then approaches the men. He turns to the man with the Star of David and says: ?Young man. Don?t you realize that this is a Catholic country? You?ll never get any contributions in this country holding a Star of David.?

The man with the Star of David turns to the man with the cross and says: ?Moishe, look who?s trying to teach us Marketing.?

JACKIE MASON :ON STARBUCKS

Starbucks is the best example of a phony status symbol that means nothing, but people will still pay 10x as much for because there are French words all over the place.  You want coffee in a coffee shop, that?s 60  cents.   But at Starbucks, Cafe Latte:  $3.50.  Cafe Cremier: $4.50.Cafe Suisse:  $9.50.  For each French word,  another four dollars.Why does a little cream in coffee make it  worth $3.50?  Go into any coffee shop; they?ll give you all the  cream you want until you?re blue in the face.  Forty million people are walking around in coffee shops with jars of cream:  ?Here?s all the cream you want!?  And it?s still 60 cents. You know why?  Because it?s called ?coffee.? If  it?s Cafe Latte $4.50.  You want cinnamon in your coffee? Ask for cinnamon in a coffee  shop;  they?ll give you all the cinnamon   you want.  Do they ask you  for more money because it?s cinnamon? It?s the same price for  cinnamon in your coffee as for coffee without cinnamon ? 60 cents, that?s it.  But not in Starbucks.  Over there, it?s Cinnamonnier $9.50.  You want a refill in a regular coffee shop, they?ll give you all the  refills you want until you drop dead.  You can come in when  you?re 27 and keep drinking coffee until you?re 98.  And they?ll start begging you:  ?Here, you want more coffee, you want more,  you want more??  Do you  know that you can?t get a refill at  Starbucks?  A refill is a dollar fifty. Two refills,  $4.50.  Three refills, $19.50.  So, for four cups of coffee  $350.  And it?s burnt coffee.  It?s burnt coffee at Starbucks, let?s be  honest  about it.  If you get burnt coffee in a coffee shop, you call a cop.You  say,  ?It?s the bottom of the pot.  I don?t drink  from the bottom of the pot.?  But when it?s burnt at Starbucks,  they say,  ?Oh, it?s a blend.  It?s a blend.?    It?s a special  bean from Argentina?..?  The bean is  in your  head.

And there?re no chairs in those Starbucks.  Instead, they have these high stools.  You ever see these stools?  You  haven?t been on a chair  that high since you were two.  Seventy-three year old Jews are climbing and climbing to get to the top of the chair.  And when they get to the top, they  can?t even drink the coffee because there?s 12 people around  one little table, and  everybody?s saying,  ?Excuse me, excuse me, excuse me, excuse  me?..? Then they can?t get off the chair.  Old Jews are  begging Gentiles, ?Mister, could you get me off this??  Do you remember what a cafeteria was?  In poor neighborhoods all over  this country, they went to a  cafeteria because there were no waiters and no service.  And so poor people could save money on  a tip.  Cafeterias didn?t have regular tables or chairs either.  They gave coffee to you in a cardboard cup.  So because of that you paid less for the coffee.  You got less, so you paid less. It?s all the same as Starbucks ? no chairs, no service, a cardboard cup for your coffee ? except in Starbucks, the less you get, the  more it costs.  By the time they give you nothing, it?s worth four times as much.

Am I exaggerating?  Did you ever try to buy a cookie in Starbucks?  Buy   a cookie in a regular coffee shop.  You can tear down a  building with that cookie.  And the whole cookie is 60 cents.  At Starbucks, you?re going to have to hire a detective to find  that cookie, and it?s $9.50. And you can?t put butter on it  because they want extra.  Do you know that if you buy a bagel,  you pay extra for cream cheese in  Starbucks?  Cream cheese, another 60 cents.  A knife to put it on, 32 cents.  If it reaches the bagel, 48 cents.  That bagel costs you  $312. And they don?t give you the butter or the cream cheese.  They don?t give it to you.  They tell you where it is.  ?Oh, you want butter?  It?s over there. Cream cheese?  Over here.  Sugar?  Sugar is here.?  Now you become  your own waiter.  You walk around with a tray.  ?I?ll take the cookie. Where?s the butter?  The butter?s here.  Where?s the cream cheese?  The  cream cheese is there.?  You walked around for an hour and a  half selecting items, and then the guy at the cash register has a glass in front of him that says ?Tips.?  You?re waiting on tables for an hour, and you owe him money.

Then there?s a sign that says please clean it up when you?re finished. They don?t give you a waiter or a busboy.  Now you?ve become the janitor. Now you have to start cleaning up the  place.  Old Jews are walking around cleaning up Starbucks.  ?Oh, he?s got dirt too?  Wait, I?ll clean this up.?  They clean up the place for an hour and a half.

 If I said to you, ?I have a great idea for a business.  I?ll open a whole new type of a coffee shop.  A whole new type.  Instead of  60 cents for coffee I?ll charge $2.50, $3.50, $4.50, and $5.50.  Not only  that, I?ll have no tables, no chairs, no water, no busboy, and  you?ll clean it up for 20 minutes after you?re finished.? Would  you say to me, ?That?s the greatest idea for a business ever  heard!  We can open a chain of these all over the world!?  No, you would put me right into a sanitarium. Starbucks can only  get away with it because they have French titles for everything.  And I say this with the highest respect, because I don?t like to talkabout people. +*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+

 (Davidoff)

Is There a Doctor in the House?

A strained voice called out through the darkened theater, ?Please, is there a doctor in the house?!?

Several men stood up as the lights came on.

An older lady pulled her daughter to stand next to her, ?Good, are any of you doctors single and interested in a date with a nice, Jewish girl??

(Barry)

PRESS RELEASE: Mergers and Acquisitions

Continuing the current trend of large-scale mergers and acquisitions, It was announced today at a press conference that Christmas and Chanukah will merge. An industry source said that the deal had been in the works for about 1300 years, ever since the rise of the Muslim Empire. While details were not

available at press time, it is believed that the overhead cost of having twelve days of Christmas and eight days of Chanukah was becoming prohibitive for both sides. By combining forces, we?re told, the world will be able to enjoy consistently high-quality service during the Fifteen Days of Christmukah, as the new holiday is being called.  Massive layoffs are expected, with lords a-leaping and maids a-milking being the hardest hit. As part of the conditions of the agreement, the letters on the dreidle, currently in Hebrew, will be replaced by Latin, thus becoming unintelligible to a wider audience. Also, instead of translating to ?A great miracle

happened there,? the message on the dreidle will be the more generic ?Miraculous stuff happens.? In exchange, it is believed that Jews will be allowed to use Santa Claus and his vast merchandising resources for buying and delivering their gifts.  In fact, one of the sticking points holding up the agreement for at least three hundred years was the question of whether Jewish children could leave milk and cookies for Santa even after having eaten meat for dinner. A breakthrough came last year, when Oreos were finally declared to be Kosher. All sides appeared happy about this. A spokesman for Christmas,Inc., declined to say whether a takeover of Kwanzaa might not be in the works as well. He merely pointed out that, were it not for the independent existence of Kwanzaa, the merger between Christmas and Chanukah might indeed be seen as an unfair cornering of the holiday market.

Fortunately for all concerned, he said, Kwanzaa will help to maintain the competitive balance. He then closed the press conference by leading all present in arousing rendition of ?Oy, Come All Ye Faithful?. (Davidoff)

Noah?s Ark

 When the ark?s door was closed Noah called a meeting with all the animals. ?Listen up!? Noah said with a demanding voice. ?There will be NO sex on this trip. All of you males take off your penis and hand  it in to my sons.  I will sit over there and write you a receipt. After we see land,  you can get your penis back.?   After about a week Mr. Rabbit stormed into his wife?s cage and was very excited. ?Quick!? he said, ?Get on my shoulders and look out the window to see if there is any land out there!?  Mrs. Rabbit got onto his shoulders, looked out the window, and said,  ?Sorry, no land yet.? ?Damn!?, exclaimed Mr. Rabbit. This went on every day until Mrs. Rabbit got fed up with him. Mrs.Rabbit asked, ?What is the matter with you? You know it will rain for forty days and nights. Only after the water has drained will we be able to see land. But why are you acting so excited every day??  ?Look!?, said Mr. Rabbit with a sly expression, as he held out a piece of paper,

?I GOT THE HORSE?S RECEIPT!!? (Davidoff)

Passover

A Jewish man took his Passover lunch to eat outside in the park.  He sat down on a bench and began eating.  A little while later a  blind man came by and sat down next to him.  Feeling neighborly,  the Jewish man passed a sheet of matzoh to the blind man.  The blind man ran his fingers over the matzoh for a few minutes, looked puzzled, and finally exclaimed, ?Who wrote this shit?? (Davidoff)

Passover Take 2

A few days before Passover a rabbi was walking home when he noticed his shamos walking ahead of him.  The rabbi hurried to catch up as he had some important matters to discuss.  Much to his dismay, the rabbi saw that the shamos had entered a Chinese restaurant.  The rabbi couldn?t believe his eyes.  He looked again and saw the shamos pointing to the menu and talking to the waiter.  He looked again and saw the waiter deliver a tray of food to the shamos.  Then he saw the shamos take the chop sticks and start eating a traif meal, including shrimp.

The rabbi could no longer contain himself.  He burst into the restaurant and said, ?Moshe, what are you doing?? Moshe looked up and said to the rabbi, ?I don?t understand.?  The rabbi said, ?I just saw you, Moshe, my most holy shamos, with all this traif food!?

Moshe said, ?Rabbi, did you see me come into this Restaurant?? ?Yes, I did,? replied the Rabbi.

?Did you see me order the food??

?Yes, I did? said the rabbi.

?Did you see me eat the food??

?Of course I did!!!  Why do you think I barged in here??

?Well, then,? said Moshe, ?I don?t see the problem. It was all done under rabbinical supervision!?

The Chasid and The Air Hostess

Yossel the Hassid is in London on business. It?s now one hour to shabbes and he?s all dressed up in his shabbes clothes ready to go to a local shul. He takes the lift to the ground floor and walks towards the exit. As he reaches the reception area, he sees a stunning British Airways hostess with blond hair and a face and figure he could die for. She has just checked in. As soon as she sees Yossel, she stops in her tracks and walks quickly over to him.

?Hello,? she says to him.
?Hello to you too,? he says.
?I have a confession to make,? she says.
?What is it?? he asks.
?I have a sexual fantasy,? she says.
?Nu, so go on,? he says.
?I?ve always wanted to be with a Hassidic man. I want to run my hands up and down his white silk socks, run my hands over his tzitzis and my fingers through his beard, play with his peyess, eat kichel with him, poke my finger in his puppik, remove his gatkes, play with his shlong and then shtup. So I want you to join me now. I have a room upstairs just waiting for us. What do you say??

Yossel looks at her thoughtfully and says, ?And what?s in it for me??  (Jeff Miller)

Last Word

This guy had just finished reading the chauvinist book, ?MAN OF THE HOUSE?.

He stormed into the kitchen and confronted his wife.

Pointing a finger in her face, he ranted, ?From now on, I want you to know that I am the man of this house, and my word is law! I want you to prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I?m finished eating my main course, I expect a sumptuous dessert to follow. Then, after dinner, you are going to draw me my bath so I can relax. And when I?m finished with my bath, guess who?s going to dress me and comb my hair??
His wife replied, ?My guess is the Chevra Kadisha!? (Jeff Miller)

 

The Jew  Crossing His Chest

Albie Sachs tells the story when he lost his arm in a car bomb planted by the SA security police in Mozambique. 2 guys from the ANC came to visit him in the hospital ? one serious the other full of laughter at his old Jewish joke ? was Jacob Zuma. Hymie Cohen had an accident and his got up he made a cross on his chest. Hymie?s pal asks him ? why are you doing that ? you?re Jewish not Catholic?! Says he ? I am definitely Jewish ? just checking ? spectacles, testicles, wallet and watch!!
(Stillerman)

 

Bobbas Secret Recipe

Jeff Miller

Here is Bobba?s  secret recipe for Raisen Taiglach

 ????????????.

?????????????..

??????????????.

????????????????..

??????????..

?????????????..

??????????????????.

??????????????????.

???????????????????.

??????????????????..

Makes enough for Rosh Hashana and Succoth

 

 Rosh Hashanah