The Common Vein

I AM SO DEPRESSED.
I called the suicide hotline last week. The message said ?Don?t jump to a conclusion.?
I AM SO DEPRESSED.
I called the suicide hotline last week. The message said ?Remember, DEATH is worth waiting for.?
I AM SO DEPRESSED.
My mother passed away a few years ago. She was 93. It was a sad loss but at 93 without being ill it was not tragic. My mother was a strong, street smart woman. She was not sophisticated or educated, she did not really know the difference between Beethoven and Picasso. She did not know that the one painted and the other didn?t. As she was being lowered to her final resting place, I said to my sister, ? she is in the right place. She never was an ?out of the box thinker?.
I AM SO DEPRESSED.
I had a stroke a few years back. Now my friends won?t play golf with me. They say I am one stroke ahead.I AM SO DEPRESSED.
After my stroke I lay in bed with my arm and leg limp, and my mouth all skew and contorted and my speech all slurred. The nurses asked all the others if they had had a Bowel movement. They asked me if I had had a Vowel movement.
I AM SO DEPRESSED.
I always wanted to be a stand-up comic. Now after my stroke I can only be the fall guy.
I AM SO DEPRESSED.Just a bit of my stuff for STAND UP FOR MENTAL HEALTH.

MOST comics start by asking their audience, ?HOW ARE YOU??

 

Actually, with THIS group, we?d be here ALL NIGHT.

 

 

I?m so depressed.

ADDICTION is something I just can?t get ENOUGH of.

 

 

I?m so depressed.

Sometimes I imagine I have a FANTASY friend.

I introduced my IMAGINARY friend to my WIFE.

This wasn?t a good idea.

 

They?re LIVING together now.

 

I?m so depressed.

I was wondering ? what if CARS came with SPECIAL options for people with mood disorders.

For example, for people with depression, the only colour for your car would be black.

For people with bi-polar, there is only ONE pedal, and it switches from ACCELERATOR to BREAK every 10 minutes.

For people with multiple personalities, there are THREE steering wheels.

For claustrophobic people, there are only CONVERTIBLES.

For people with ANGER issues, the HORN honks every two minutes.

And for people with OCD, the doors lock every time you come to a stop light.

 

I?m so depressed.

I had a STROKE 6 months ago.

I couldn?t stand or sit.

I thought, there goes my STAND-UP comedy career.

At least then I could have been the FALL guy.

 

I?m so depressed.

I haven?t been a success at ANYTHING.

I wasn?t even successful at SUICIDE.

 

I?m so depressed.

I wrote a few songs for a band I know.

They told me that even Leonard Cohen?s songs were HAPPIER.

I?m so depressed.

A friend told me that my handwriting was so bad, I?m smart enough to be a DOCTOR.

I didn?t have the heart to tell him that I?d had a STROKE.

 

I?m so depressed.

I DO believe in RE-INCARNATION.

In a previous life, I must have been Marie Antoinette.

I?m always running around like my head?s been cut off.

 

I?m so depressed.

I told my Psychiatrist that I?d had a BAD day.

He said, ? You think YOU?VE had a bad day!!!!! And then spent 50 minutes telling me HIS problems.

That day, we BOTH billed the health insurance company.

 

I?m so depressed.

If people with DEPRESSION have MI-graines.

Do schizophrenics have MULTI grains?

Do people who are BI-POLAR always take their Coffee HALF and HALF?

Do people with MOOD DISORDERS always have their eggs SCRAMBLED?

 

I?m so depressed.

I was talking with my MOTHER-IN-LAW the other day at the TOP of the STAIRS.

I got SO aggravated, I threw MYSELF down the stairs.

 

I?m so depressed.

I was in a FOCUS group on DEPRESSION.

It SHOULD have been called an OUT-OF-FOCUS group.

 

I?m just fucking  depressed.